BITTER/SWEET

BITTER/SWEET

WOW !  Where to even begin...The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion.  I am home from the hospital one week today.  I had been admitted for pain management last Weds.  I remember very little of what took place except for a few snippets of info.  I remember having that helmet on that is called a bi-pap.  I am totally disoriented without my glasses and with that on you can't wear them, you can't talk so that anyone can understand you and you can't hear what anyone is saying to you.  Not very pleasant to say the least.  But, as I said, I don't remember much more of that experience.  Apparently, I had some difficulty breathing and was transferred to the ICU.  My POA is my son in Alaska.  He was called around 4:00 am & was told that I wasn't doing well and they were going to vent me.  My son hadn't even know yet that I was in the hospital.  I can only imagine what his mind went through.  He called his sister in Florida (she knew nothing either) and they both made plans to get to Pittsburgh as quickly as possible.  Jay's first flight was cancelled adding to his consternation.  He did finally arrive, a bundle of nerves.  Jeanne got here next, also a nervous wreck. Jeanne couldn't get out of Florida quickly due to spring break.  Then she got stuck in Phila. for several hours (I don't remember why).  I continued to improve in the hospital and was once again sent to the cancer center floor.  I was visited every day by a Dr. John Pazin who was covering for my regular PCP.  That, I am sure, was designed by the Universe.  Never in all of my years as a nurse and the last fifteen as a hospice nurse have I ever met an M.D. who could actually sit down and spend time talking with a patient who is expected to die about death & dying.  He was so on with his ability to converse about this and to do so comfortably.  He gets hospice!  I couldn't have been happier.  Each day he came in, sat down, never appearing hurried, talked with my son at length as well as me.  This man was definitely put on my path by the universe's energy.  He explained each day what the plan of care was as of that moment to me and my family.  I am so very impressed with this open, honest, caring man.    Well, by the time I was discharged I had been in the hospital for 9 days.  I came home and was admitted to Gateway Hospice.  All of the services that I have been given have been extraordinarily wonderful.  My daughter cooked dinner on Sunday night for my sister, son, herself & me.  Jay was leaving in the morning to go back to Alaska.  When it was time to say good bye, I could hardly utter any words.  I wanted to tell Jay about all of the wonderful memories he has given me and how very proud of him that I am.  I couldn't begin to get it together. My heart was breaking as I was thinking that this will be the last time that he sees me alive.  My mind told me he was thinking the same and I was hurting so badly for him.  It was so emotionally charged with sadness & tears, that I thought I would become a puddle on the floor.  My son had to leave and go sit in the car.  I knew what he was doing and felt (if it was even possible) more sadness than I could ever remember having. He loves me so much in spite of the things I did wrong in raising him.  He was always his own spirit and I was always trying to break it.  I will say that I never managed to do this and I couldn't be happier.  He is his own person and I am so proud of the man he is.  He is the best Daddy to his two little babies that God has ever made.  They will be his saving grace when anything happens to me. God is so good! One cannot imagine the joy I have in my heart that we were able to spend this time together (as Carol Burnett would say!).  And now I must face my daughter, Jeanne, leaving for her home in Florida tomorrow morning.  I often wonder how much hurt a person can feel and not fall completely apart.  But I know that this is part of living and we are all on our paths to live, love & learn whatever is in store for us.  I will try to be more stalwart in the morning.  Jeanne is my first born and as such I loved her so much that I couldn't even think that there was more love I could give to another baby.  But guess what...I had two more babies and with each my love just compounded and I found love everywhere with them.  One was as precious as the next...that is God & his infinite wisdom.  I will continue on my journey and they on theirs.  What more could anyone ask of the Almighty?