THE UPS AND THE DOWNS
Being diagnosed with cancer begins the roller coaster ride. As the days go by one wonders what each day is bringing with it. I think that the best barometer for me is the pain. When it is bearable that is a good day. As the pains increase so do the "I'm going to die soon" thoughts. No two days are the same. As each day ends and another begins I know that I am one day closer to dying. At this time, I get a little panicky to get things done and make sure that I've tied up all of the loose ends. But being the almost perfect procrastinator that I am, this does not happen. And the longer that this doesn't happen, the harder it is to even begin getting to that 'to do' list. I thank God for Jeana, my beautiful volunteer. She has helped me with a project that I've put off for ever so long. She now has me on a roll! I have some lovely spring flowers planted thanks to her also. My family (including my son in Alaska via conference call) and Gateway Hospice staff (RN, Soc. Wkr, Chaplain) had a Family Care Plan meeting last week. It was very good and productive. It cleared a lot of things up such as what Ryan & Lauren are going to do re living arrangements...what are their options. Options are limited due to the fact that we have two precious cats and a beautiful, loving dog. How are my meds going to get handled and by who. My sleeping pattern is not a pattern at all so my q 12 hr med at a certain time was not working out. So it is now being given to me by Ryan or Lauren. They are also giving me a pain med around 5 am so that I don't wake up later in excruciating pain. They have both just stepped right up to the plate as I needed them to. Lauren is my little organizer and has taken over the logging, ordering, etc. of the medications which includes asking me if I've taken them and when. Lauren gives me the 5 am med if Ryan is not home. He sometimes works the overnight shift. The need for 24/hr. care has been taken care if necessary. My daughter, Jeanne, is coming up from Florida for the duration. So everything is cleared up re any of those concerns. Since that meeting, it seems to me that the whole atmosphere here has changed. I can't explain it. This is now Ryan's house and he is accepting all of those challenges and states that he is actually enjoying the responsibility. God Bless him. I am very comfortable taking a back seat. Ryan did everything before but somehow this is different with nothing being different. That doesn't make any sense but it is what it is. I am so very blessed to have the family that I do and the friends that I do. I am so grateful to have had this time to see things as they are and not as an illusion. The hundreds of friends that I have on the internet are an inspiration to me.