Wednesday, April 30, 2014




Yes, it's been awhile.  So much has been happening it is difficult to keep track of it all.  Last Saturday, the Post-Gazette writer & videographer who have been following me on my journey, met with me & many of my family in order to see how everyone was handling my eventual demise and what our interactions were like.  What was everyone 'feeling'.  My family is well aware of how I am feeling as I have been very open and truthful with all.  It was important for me to make sure that I was meeting each individual where they were on this trajectory and not be pushing them to a place where they cannot internalize or comprehend.  This is how hospice staff must interact with their patients & families.  Meeting others where they are is rewarding as it serves in the motivation to move on. Being a clinician and a patient sometimes feels like a double whammy.  While I want to be the helper I also want to be helped.  One important lesson that I've learned is how to 'turn things over' to others and to live with my dependence on them.  I have always been one of those who could do everything myself and not rely on anyone else. That was a hard lesson for me to learn, but I've become quite comfortable doing so. As this disease has been progressing I feel more & more each day that I have many things to get done yet and the longer I procrastinate, the more stress I feel about not doing them.  My time is limited therefore the more anxious I become.  I am being ruled by my physical condition each minute of every day.  The pain does not go away even with an increase in the dosage or the addition of another pain med.  I have had many friends visit me and that adds relief to my discomfort.  It is a joy to see & talk with others where no subject is taboo.  I think this helps all of us.  One of my co-workers, Marie, took me out to North Park by the lake.  We packed a picnic lunch and just sat at the lake edge, ate, & watched the geese go through their rituals.  We stayed there for hours.  It was so peaceful and serene.  The weather was gorgeous, the sky was azure blue with beautiful white fluffy clouds floating by.  The female goose was sitting on her eggs and the male standing beside her was hissing at us.  She was well protected. I wonder where their babies are from last year.  This brings to mind how awesome the life cycle is.  We come and we go...God's plan is purposeful.  And his plan for me?  I must continue to live in the "now".  Yes, there are times when I get scared.  This fear normally comes upon me when the pain is worse.  It is a reminder.  I wonder if when my friends/family get scared is there a trigger for their fear?  I do not pray for a miracle or a cure, I pray for peace, serenity, and that calmness that tells me all is right with the world.  Sometimes I just want this to be all over.  Then everyone could get on with living their lives.  I wonder too, if everyone else just wants this to be all over too.  I feel like I am holding everyone back.  At this time, I will gather more of my thoughts and get back to you.

1 comment:

  1. JESUS you are one strong, brave, and BEAUTIFUL woman!! Prayers for you and your family. LOVE YOU!!