My 1st blog was really my third. I am posting the 1st two.
CANCER LESSONS:
LEARNING TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT
I have
several things on my mind today. I hope no one minds if I post some
of my random thoughts this morning.
As a certified hospice &
palliative care nurse now diagnosed with a terminal illness, I am
more grateful than ever to have been privileged for many years to
have served those on their journey who have finished what they were
put here on earth to do. I have learned so much from those warriors.
I am now experiencing what many who have gone before me have in the
past.
I believe that my hospice experiences have allowed me
to come to the acceptance stage as a smooth transition from the
original thought of “Oh, my God, this can't be” to the thought
that “It is what it is, and that is all that it is”. When one
knows they are facing death, a whole new perspective of living comes
into view. While I still have strong thoughts that my task here on
earth has not been completed, I am more than grateful that I am still
alive and enabled to continue whatever that is. And then a thought
creeps in that if I haven't finished my job here, then I can't die.
Quickly though, another thought comes upon me stating that maybe I
will just die before I know what else I am supposed to do. I can't
let that happen, I tell myself, so I do some serious soul searching.
What is it that I still must do. Time is running out and this puzzle
must be solved. Do I still have lessons to learn? Do I still have
wisdom to depart to others? If so, what is it and who are they? I
think the answers are beginning to come. I must be still and listen
to what the Universe is telling me. What is my path now?
Being
a hospice nurse has been 'my heart'. I have known that for forever it
seems. When I started my nursing career I worked in Critical Care. It
was there that my penchant for helping those that were not going to
make it and their families needed me. Elizabeth Kubler Ross was my
mentor. She taught me to talk openly and honestly, giving hope yet
not false hope was how to do it. Allow open expression from those in
my care. I have practiced this through out my many years, both
professionally and personally.
Having had made many choices
in my life, some good and some not so good, they were all learning
experiences. Looking at the negative ones I am able to see much of
the good that has come from them. They have taught me so much. The
main theme is that much positive comes from negative. One merely has
to see the other side of them. Sometimes it was difficult for me to
do this and so I didn't learn what I should have. Therefore, as I
like to say, I had to repeat the class until I finally was able to
pass that course! But I digress.
Back to death & dying. My
hope is that I have taught many others to have an open discussion re
this subject. Even singly, we all can make a difference. This is a
difficult topic for many to face honestly. I have given it 'a good
go' as they say. Some have found solace in what I have had to say,
and others, I'm sure, will ponder my words down the road and then
find their peace. I have never pushed anything on anyone. I accepted
where they were on the trajectory and started from there. This has
been most difficult to do with my own family. As any mother will tell
you, we want our children to be quick learners and be at the top of
their class. Even when we are dealing with such a delicate, difficult
subject such as the death of their mother or their aunt or their
cousin, sister, close friend, etc.. I have done my best to treat this
subject with all as light and as bright as I could make it. My goal
has been for all to see the joy of being on this journey with me. And
make no mistake about it, it has been joyful most of time. They have
been learning some really tough lessons which will hold them in good
stead through out the rest of their lives. I am so very proud to have
had something to do with them learning these lessons on their
individual paths and to have led them in the direction of who they
have become as caring, compassionate, loving, human beings and
cognizant of the needs of others.
The hard parts of this
journey? Well, it has not been the hair loss! I now can take a three
minute shower, it takes no time at all to dry my head. I do not have
to fuss and claim any bad hair days, I save money on the electric
bill not using a hair blower or curling iron. I'm sure you get the
point. The chemo? Whatever pain I've had has come after receiving
this. I have pictured the pain (notice I did not say, 'my pain') as
the good cells and the bad cells in battle. My good cells always win
and the battle ceases after a week of fighting.
I have been
enormously blessed to have a most wonderful grandson, Ryan, who has
moved in with me and is my primary care giver. He moved to Alaska
from Florida to help me when I broke my leg and then back here to
Pittsburgh where I have marvelous relatives/friends (and guardian
angels) to help if anything else happened to me. Well, lo and behold
I have was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and here is Ryan at the
forefront once again! I am so proud of the young adult he has become.
He now does the cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, and anything
else that needs done as well as working full time! Although he is
scared and emotionally exhausted at times, he is learning to cope
with all adversity in a most positive way. He is my sounding
board.
I would like to mention that when one is aware of
their own demise, they become concerned about what legacy they will
be leaving for posterity. I have found this to be true with my
patients and now with myself. I hope and pray that I have had a
positive influence on all with whom I have had cross my path or whose
path I have crossed. Everyone is where they are for a reason. If we
thought at the time that these engagements were negative, I hope we
learned the lessons that were brought by them.
I say now,
“Fasten your seat belts everyone, you're in for the ride of your
life”! More to come!
