IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN
I will just start writing as I can't figure out what to start with. It has been quite awhile since I've given you all any information as to what is going on with me. My chemo via IV ended several weeks ago. I am now taking an oral chemo called tamoxifen. I will have regular labs drawn which include a CA 125 which is a cancer marker. I must say here how wonderful every staff member at the Passavant Cancer Center have been. I am so pleased with everyone there. They never cease to smile and greet you (most often by name) whether or not they are part of your individual team. Physically I am not where I would like to be but then I have been pretty lazy about doing any exercises. I am sure they would help but I never think of them until I'm ready for bed. So much for that. Also, each day brings a different activity level that I can accomplish and still be able to breathe. Living with this disease brings one to an entirely different life style. Being one that had to be productive every waking moment, I am now content to do next to nothing that is really productive. In my mind I am very active and think of many things to do. I just don't get around to doing them. Soon I won't be able to blame it on the chemo that has slowed me down. You will all know that I am damn lazy! I have become a pro at changing thoughts. I'm a believer that what one thinks becomes what is. In other words, thoughts are things. I am a realist and know that this disease will take me to the afterlife, but in the meantime I am in control! Ask my kids, I have always tried to be the 'controller' (as they grew older, it seldom happened successfully). Don't get me wrong...I'm aware that my demise is likely, I just won't entertain negative thoughts for longer than a few seconds. Remember, we cancer patients live with this disease 24hrs/day, 7days/week. Think of how awful life would be if one were to dwell on thoughts that are not happening at the moment! I prefer to live in the moment...besides, I can't 'control' the future. So, in thinking about what/when something will happen is a lesson in futility. I am happy that I have been able to accomplish as much as I have. I am so looking forward to speaking to my colleagues about a clinician having become a patient. I think that what I have to say will surely help others be more comfortable in conversing with a terminally ill patient. As I have said before, I am the lucky one. I get to deal with my mortality and I consider that being one step ahead of the rest of you! Love is the answer. Make sure you show it with everything you do. Love what you are doing. That includes doing the dishes or polishing the furniture...be mindful of everything you do or think. Keep changing those awful, sad thoughts. Our brain is a marvelous organ. But, even it can only think one thought at a time. Think about that. If you were a carpenter and wanted to place a nail where another nail exists, you would have to push the first nail out with putting in the new nail! The same is true of thoughts. I've probably rambled enough for this time. I have created a blog page. The address is: firstname.lastname@example.org. The title is: meandcancer I also had to get a new e-mail as my yahoo acct. was hacked. New e-mail: email@example.com I used my name for these as it's one thing I might always remember!