Monday, March 31, 2014


Jeanne is so much like her mother.  She did just what I would have done if positions were reversed.  She did not wake me up this morning as I had asked so I could hug & kiss her before she left.  It was very early but still...she has a trillion justifications for doing that but still...It is now Sunday afternoon.  I miss Jay & Jeanne.  So much of me is in them.  It is almost eerie.  The child  I am concerned for is my youngest, Judy.  Judy also lives in Florida.  She does call & text me, however, she is making no effort to come to Pittsburgh to see me before she can no longer see me.  I know what she is doing...she is hiding from the fact that her Mom is not going to live forever as she thinks in her fairy-tale world.  It's like the little toddler who hides his eyes and says, 'you can't see me'!  I have been telling her that I am ok right now and that we could have some good quality time together.  If only...She needs a lot of help emotionally now.  I will ask my social workers to give her a call to see if they can help her.  Obviously, I have not done a good job of it.  She did the same thing when her Daddy was dying and has suffered severe guilt since then.  I don't want that compounded by my death.  It is a pain that she is familiar with though and sometimes people prefer that to the unknown pain.  We all handle things in our own, individual, unique way.  In fact, who am I to say that her way is not good?  It is her way.  But, as with all of our choices, there are consequences to those.  As a mother, of course I think I know best!  I have this crazy craving to begin putting post it notes on things with names of those whom I want to have them.  Perhaps, I'll just make a list...that wouldn't look as tacky!  I can't begin to explain what just happened as I was finishing this writing!  The Universe wasted no time in telling me that I have no idea what I'm talking about.  Little Judy (we call her that cause my sister's name is Judy too) called me and asked if she should come now or wait til her surgery is over on April 12th.  I was blown away not only by the question but by the swiftness of the action that I had just said wouldn't happen.  Dear Lord, do we ever know what we think we know?

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